


Big Brothers Watching

by carnivalinsidemyhead



Category: Take That
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Hints of disordered eating habits, How and Jay are like fussy dads over Mark, M/M, Running from the past, Wilderness years, dealing with the past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-17
Packaged: 2019-10-10 18:14:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17430998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carnivalinsidemyhead/pseuds/carnivalinsidemyhead
Summary: Howard is always happy to go along with anything that helps Jason relax and calm down his churning brain.That doesn’t mean he doesn’t take the piss out of him for his addiction to Celebrity Big Brother, though.But watching this series isn’t exactly going to be escapism. For either of them.





	1. Chapter 1

When the end came, it couldn’t come quick enough for Jason and he couldn’t get far enough away. All he really wanted was to disappear so he was never quite sure what possessed him to try an acting career. Maybe he thought hiding behind a character would be easier. Maybe he couldn’t conceive of not being on stage anymore. Maybe he still wanted to indulge the contradiction of being both a show off and a very private person. Who knows. All he knows is that it was a mistake and that his desire to evade the public eye far outweighs his desire to perform. And enrolling in college to fill in the gaps of his meager education and get credentials for a proper job-exactly what he hasn’t a clue- ideally something where he has to use his brain instead of gyrating in latex hot pants- felt like the right step to take in becoming a normal person again. 

And then he met Howard again and he knew that, really, he’s never going to be a normal person.

It was pure dumb luck that he’d run into him, really. Both of them in Manchester at the same time to see family; both hit by the same wave of nostalgia that drove them to The Apollo, where they literally bumped into each other right outside the club doors. 

It was only natural that would lead to a coffee and a catch up and now, a year later, the two of them have settled into a sort of casual, matey, domesticity where Howard crashes with him when he’s in town and they have a laugh and he lets himself indulge in all the bad habits he tries so hard to avoid. Which, being Jason, are as mild as eating greasy pizza instead of health food and watching trashy television instead of studying or at least watching an educational program. He still feels a bit guilty about it, which earns him some gentle ribbing from Howard, but over all he loves being able to let loose a little and just relax and be a bit of a slob. He can do that with Howard; it’s always been comfortable with him. 

That doesn’t mean Howard isn’t going to take the piss out of him for his obsession with Celebrity Big Brother. 

Jason tries to justify it by claiming that it’s fascinating to him as a student of psychology but he knows that Howard isn’t buying it. And really, neither is he. 

Mostly he’s fascinated by how any of the housemates manage to make it through their time there. All that constant scrutiny and no personal space or privacy. He doesn’t know how anyone could live like that and keep sane. He doesn’t know how he did. (He’s not entirely sure he did keep sane, if you want the truth of the matter.) And he’s fascinated by the clear desire of the housemates to either rekindle or hold on to their fame because that desire feels almost like an alien concept to him now.

At any rate, there they are on his couch in front of the television, watching the first episode of the second series, commenting on each housemate as they’re announced and placing joke bets on who seems most likely to win. 

As soon as Goldie says he hopes he doesn’t end up stuck with some pop band member, Jason remarks to Howard, “You watch. They’re going to stick a pop star in with him just to push his buttons.” Howard nods. “Probably somebody from a boy band. He’s got to hate that.” There’s a pause as they’re clearly thinking the same thing and then Jason bursts into giggles. 

“Fuck, Doug, what if it’s us?” And they both laugh because really it’s too absurd isn’t it?

They both perk up at the addition of Melinda Messenger, each good naturedly calling  
the other a pervert for it. Then it’s time for Davina to announce the final housemate. 

“...He and his bandmates scored seven number one hits and two number one albums and broke the hearts of thousands of teenage girls when they called it a day…”

Jason and Howard exchange glances. It’s not...is it? It can’t be…well obviously it’s not Robbie. And Gary, well, they hope it’s not Gary. That would be too cruel. He’s far too fragile at the moment. Even Jason, as much as he still resents him, can’t wish that humiliation on him. Which leaves...

“FUCK ME, IT’S MARKIE!” Howard shouts out. 

And sure enough, there he is on the screen just as tiny and sunny smiled as ever. Neither Jason nor Howard can stop grinning at the screen. Good old Markie. Bless his little boots, how they’ve missed him. 

They laugh appreciatively at his entry video. “That’s clever, that is, the Cinderella bit,” Jason comments. Howard nods. “He’s got a good sense of humor, Markie does. He’s kinda taking the piss but it’s not mean is it? I don’t think Markie can do mean…”

Jason nods in agreement. “Not unless he’s become a completely different person since we knew him.”

Howard laughs. “We’ll just have to wait and see if he tells any of that lot not to be awful.”

Jason shakes his head, smiling. “Bless him, the little peacekeeper always tried so hard…”

There’s a shift in the atmosphere now, an uneasiness settling over them as they remember Mark struggling to be an intermediary between Robbie and Gary and trying his hardest to keep Robbie in line and to keep Nigel pleased, keep the fans pleased; always pleasant, always smiling, always worried. 

All Howard says out loud though is “he’s gotten so thin.”

The trouble, thinks Jason, with watching Mark on the show is that it’s probably going to make him and Howard talk about the past. And he’s not sure he’s ready for that. Sure they’ve reminisced a bit but they’ve kept it light, kept it joking. They haven’t gotten into any of the heavy stuff. Nigel. Robbie. Him and Howard and what happened between them. Or didn’t happen. They’ve not touched on any of it. He’s not sure he’s ready for it. He’s not sure Howard is. But he feels like it’s all going to come out now. That it needs to come out. 

He just hopes it doesn’t ruin what he’s got right now with Howard.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jason tells Howard about feeling trapped in the past.

Sure enough, the heavy stuff starts coming up the next time they meet up to watch the show. It kicks off innocuously enough though. They’re laughing at Mark draping his clothes over the chair, going “Please Big Brother can I have some lentils! I’m wasting away!” Howard drily remarks “Didn’t need to do that with the chair, though, really. He’s already skin and bones on his own.” He takes a sip of his drink and then speaks again. 

“He always did idolize you, Green Man. Probably why he’s still on with the rabbit food.”

There’s an undercurrent of accusation there and Jason wants to protest that he’s not seen Mark in five years so how could he have anything to do with him looking underfed now and besides Mark always did pick at his food and what’s so bad about liking healthy food and being vegetarian anyway, but he doesn’t know where to start. Because he knows his own diet restrictions go beyond just physical health and environmental concerns. He knows they’re obsessive in some ways and that apart from his occasional cheat days with Howard which make him feel guilty, he’s just as restrictive as he ever was. And he doesn’t quite know why because it’s not like he has to worry about showing off his body anymore. Maybe it’s old habits dying hard. Or maybe it has more to do with his wanting to disappear. 

He wonders if Mark wants to disappear too. 

He shakes his head at the thought. Of course he doesn’t. He wouldn’t be on Big Brother if he did, right? But still….

“He’s not happy.” Howard frowns at this, puzzled. Jason looks slightly startled; he hadn’t meant to speak aloud. “I don’t think Mark’s happy. He doesn’t seem like he is, really.” 

He hesitates a moment then speaks again. “I don’t suppose any of us are though. If we’re honest with ourselves anyway. I don’t even know if we can be anymore.” 

Howard hits pause on the DVR and turns to him. “You going metaphysical on me or are we talking about the band?” 

Jason sighs. “Both I guess. But mainly the band. Because fuck, How, what else is there? It all comes back to it for us doesn’t it? We’re always going to be in Take Fucking That.”

“Is that as bad as all that, though?” Howard asks. “I know some of it was shit but we were a pretty damn good group really. I mean for what we were.” He laughs nervously. “Not like we were in East 17. Now that’d be embarrassing.”

“No, for a boy band we were pretty fucking ace,” concedes Jason. “It’s not that. I don’t really care anymore if that’s all the public associates with me. I’m not trying for a show biz career.” He looks at the television again. “Got to suck for Mark though, I bet. Don’t imagine it’s been easy for him to get taken seriously…” He shakes his head, realizing he’s getting sidetracked. 

“If it’s not that,” asks Howard, “then what is it?”

“It’s...oh I don’t know…” Jason rubs his hand through his hair in frustration. He clears his throat and tries again.

“How did you ever get them out of your head? All the bollockings, always being told you’re not good enough, always being leered at like he wants to…” He stops, afraid he’s said too much. “Fucking Gary treating us like his goddamn lackeys…”

“Who says I ever did?” Howard interrupts him.

“You never did get that many bollockings though did you? You or Gaz.” 

Howard concedes this. “I still felt like a piece of meat half the time.” A pause and then, quietly, “I hated being The Body.”

“You got to sing though at least. I didn’t even get my mic turned on.” Jason’s tone is light, but Howard can hear the hurt underneath.

“That was a shit thing for Nige to do. Really shit. You didn’t deserve that.” He’s quiet for a moment.

“I should have said something to him about it. He might have listened to me. Why didn’t I say something?”

“When it comes down to it,” says Jason, “why didn’t any of us ever say anything?” 

“Cos we were scared we’d get sacked, weren’t we?”

Jason lets out a short bitter laugh. “You know what’s sad, How? I’m still scared of getting sacked. I don’t even have anything to get sacked from and I’m still scared. How fucking pathetic is that?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jason and Howard talk about Mark and Robbie and stop being scared.

Howard doesn’t know how to answer that. He’s never been good with words. He just gives Jason a hug and then unpauses the television. They sit and watch together in silence for a while.

“Nah, cos I ain’t got a deal,” Mark answers in response to Sue’s query if he’s putting out any new music. “If I did a duet with Robbie I could get a deal.” He looks up at the camera and grins cheekily. “Come on, mate, think it over. Give us a call.”

Howard snorts. “Good luck with that.”

“Oh I don’t know,” Jason muses. “Mark is the only one of us he doesn’t hate, after all.” He considers a moment. “He probably doesn’t hate you either, really.” 

“D’ya think Mark still loves him?” Howard asks as he pauses the show. 

“I don’t know. I don’t imagine he could ever really stop loving him. Even if it’s just too hard to keep on being with him. I don’t think he’s the kind of person who can shut that off.” 

“Rob broke his heart when he left, though” observes Howard. 

“You mean, when I kicked him out. Let’s be honest with ourselves here. And Mark probably broke his heart too when he didn’t stop him from going.”

Howard wants to protest that Robbie’s leaving wasn’t Jason’s fault, that Robbie was in no fit state to carry on and he was going to leave soon anyway but he knows that the truth of the matter is that they put him on the executioner’s block and Jason was the one who delivered the killing blow. 

Instead he says, “at least they were brave enough to risk their hearts, though.”

Jason turns to look at him. Howard’s gone quiet, looking down at his lap. Jason reaches out to touch his hand and says in a quiet voice, “braver than we were, you mean?”

Howard nods, not trusting himself to speak.

“I never did stop fancying you, ya know,” Jason tells him. 

“You always did have good taste.”

Jason laughs and then impulsively reaches out and cups Howard’s face in his hands. He pauses for a moment, licking his lips uncertainly, and then leans in and softly presses his lips to Howard’s for a quick moment then pulls back.

They smile at each other.

“I think,” says Jason as he pulls Howard in for a more thorough kiss, “that it’s time for the two of us to stop being such scaredy-cats.” 

“Why didn’t we do that years ago?” Howard asks breathlessly as they pull apart. 

“Same reason we never did anything. Too shit scared that Nige would’ve sacked us.” 

He snuggles up against Howard and lets him stroke his hair. “We need to stop letting him control our lives, How. Just...cut ties completely. I don’t think it can be done though.”

Howard sighs. He’s not nearly as sour on Nigel as Jason is, especially since he helped him out with getting set up as a d.j. but he knows how hard it is for Jason to still have any connection to him. But as long as he’s still the one managing Take That’s legacy…

And neither of them has any hope he’ll ever give that up. 

Howard doesn’t know what to say. So he turns the show back on.

“Mark is the only housemate still in bed.”

“Lazy arse,” he affectionately chides the screen.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Howard and Jason watch the final episode of Big Brother

The next time they meet, it’s to watch the finale. Howard has his mobile charged up and is poised and ready to text his vote. And of course, ready to tease Jason for not having a mobile phone yet. 

“I don’t see the point of them. If I’m out of the house, the last thing I want to do is be reached. That defeats the whole purpose of getting away.”

Howard debates arguing that escape isn’t necessarily the primary urge of most people when they go out, but decides against it. 

“I bet Markie’s gonna win this,” he declares decidedly.

“Oh yeah?” Jason asks. “We want to bet on it?”

“You don’t think he will?” 

“Hmm...probably, yeah. But a wager might be fun, don’t you think?” 

“All right. What are we gonna bet?”

“I’ll bet you a date night of my planning that Les Dennis wins.” 

“So I get to plan our first date if Mark wins, then?” 

Jason nods and grins at him. “Sounds like we both win either way.” Howard observes. 

“Yup,” Jason says as he pulls Howard to him for a kiss. 

“Right. We ready?” They give the living room a once over. Chinese takeaway spread out on the coffee table in front of the couch, a couple of bottles of lager and mobile and remote in reach. Yep, they’re ready. 

“They can take my washing up liquid but they can’t take my window cleaner.”

“I should have Markie over to tidy up my house,” Howard jokes. 

Jason laughs.  
Howard speaks again. “For real though, we should try and see him soon.”

“Definitely. I’ve really missed him.” 

“Is he only one you missed?” Howard asks.

“Well, I did miss you too...but I’m guessing that’s not what you’re getting at, is it?”

Howard shakes his head.

Jason sighs. “I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore. All I’ve wanted for the last five years is to get as far away as possible from Gary and Robbie and their gigantic egos but at the same time, I still kind of miss them too. I don’t really understand why, cos they both drove me up the fucking wall, but..yeah..sometimes I do miss them.”

“Gaz doesn’t exactly have a gigantic ego these days,” Howard comments. Jason concedes this point.  
“Do you think it was Robbie that did it to him?” Jason asks him. “You’re the one who’s been in touch, so I just wondered how it seems to you.”

Howard sighs. “I don’t think Robbie exactly helped, but he was just the tip of the iceberg. Gaz pretty much knows that Robbie doesn’t mean half the stuff he shoots his mouth off about; that he just does it cos he’s angry and hurt and to get attention. But between Robbie and the press and his album flopping and the whole Clive Davis thing...he’s got absolutely no confidence left.”

He pauses and takes a swig of lager.

“You know, he hasn’t sung a note in over three years? He’s just...given up.”

“Jesus,” Jason mutters. “I didn’t realize that it was that bad. Can’t imagine Gaz not singing…”

“It breaks my heart seeing him like that.” Howard’s on the verge of breaking down in tears. 

Jason gives him a sympathetic smile and kisses his forehead. “Old softy,” he whispers affectionately. 

“Oi!” Howard protests. “I’m a total hard man, me.”

Jason giggles. ”Mate, you’re a marshmallow.”

Howard makes a harrumphing noise. “Let’s just watch the show, all right?” 

They sit in silence for a bit, Jason snuggling against Howard’s chest. Then: 

“YES! YES! HE WON! HE WON! I WIN!” 

Howard does a victory dance around the living room. He stops short when he looks at the screen and sees Mark crying. He sits back down next to Jason and he can tell they’re thinking the same thing. All those insecurities, all those self doubts, all that need to please people, all that constant need for validation, all of the baggage they all carry all the time, all five of them, is being laid bare in front of millions.

And they’re almost the only ones who will understand what his tears are really about.

“Look at him. He’s the Messiah.”

And Jason lets out a laugh that turns into a sob at those words because he can see that, really, Mark is so fucking broken. 

 

They’re all just so fucking broken.


End file.
